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...troubled!!!

…just thinking

3:35 P.M.

March 15, 2008

Everything seems wrong…  I know clearly that my conscience is already bothering me as I am experiencing symptoms of restlessness… It has been months now that I have this share of sleepless nights and paranoia.

I know I am good at covering emotions, of faking smiles… But I also know that anyone who really knew me would easily recognize fear and uncertainties that envelops me… I know I am in such a big trouble…not with anyone else but with my own self!!! Whew, what a realization that I must first admit myself or else finding solution to this mess that I have put myself into will just go in vain…

I hate going through all this…Why all this illusions? Why now? Why only now? Why me? How could I not be so prepared for situations like this? How could I be so weak? How could I be so foolish and stupid? How could I be so insensitive, and selfish? How could I be so heartless? Were all my lessons about morality had vanished in the air?

I want to believe that everything will soon be alright… that things happen for a reason, for us to grow, and aid us into maturity.. that after all the trouble, of mixed emotions, I will gain a better perspective in life and in love?

Yeah, I am trying to smile, to look straight into everyone’s eye… but I know that I am lying, that within me, I know that I am deeply troubled… I am struggling… I am having all this difficulty to find my way out of this misery…

But I am not hopeless… I will survive…. I’m sure I will…

I just want it soon… in the soonest possible time….

as I have been in this agony for so long now…

NOW, Can someone help me find my way to end this misery?

                            

...and the journey continues!

Time flies swiftly! It has been almost eight months now since I joined the project and still I’m here...in the sleepy town of Saint Bernard! 

You knew how terrified I am joining this project I knew so little about but as always, I am a little bit stubborn in pursuing paths that I could say “less traveled”. Who would have wanted a job in a disaster-prone locality anyway? Who would have wanted to experience great “earthquakes” and hundreds of aftershocks in just a week? Who would have wanted to live in a far away municipality, with no malls, no movie houses, no Jollibee and McDonalds if I craved for? Who would have wanted to be far away from close family and friends?  Who would have wanted to be far away from you, my HONEY! Oh sweetie, I am terribly missing yeah!

I must admit that several times did I want to quit. I had countless sleepless nights… And my golly! ... how many times did I cry myself to sleep and much more…. pressures, pressures, pressures, WHOAh! A lot of pressures!!! But still, after eight months, I’m still here! I survived and still surviving!

A lot of times, I’m really down, really down… thanks to some bottle of beer and a few sticks of cigarette, to the calm, blue sea, to Ate Kookie, Janice and Ritchie and of course to you Willy!!! Hahah! You made my life a little bit easier! … with lesser “mingaw”, I should say…and for that I should really be thankful! Friends really are “life’s precious jewel”.

Four more months to go before the project ends… There are still a lot of things to be done yet so little time left… I’ll try to stretch my remaining powers and energy to make it through…I can’t promise that I will be able to make it but I will try…will really try and do the best that I can. I’d rather be a fighter than a loser!!! That is how I’d rather put it to make me be inspired!

So to you Gladys, good luck!!! Smile a little, and try to find time to enjoy life! Life is not all work after all! It must be enjoyed!!! As a wise man puts it “Live life to the fullest!”

...of pains and betrayal

Nothing beats the pain of betrayal...

When we trust, we also expect the same from the person whom we are trusting. This is true in all forms of relationship, be it in friendship or romantic relationships.

Just recently, I felt how it is to be betrayed...The pain seems so unbearable that until now, I could hardly get it out of my mind. At first I would like to scream, yell, punch, and curse… How could someone be so insensitive, selfish, and unreasonable… How bad it felt learning that I am fooled by her, that my acts of kindness and understanding towards her will just be reciprocated with doubts, and wicked thoughts. Never did I thought that we will come to this point; that the damage that she has done will be this deep and painful… that my dignity and integrity will be put to a test by all her false accusations… I should have known it…I should have been more careful… I should have been more cautious… I should have not felt this way…I should have not been suffering… I should have not been wounded…

Things / situations in life have its own reason… I think I would just like to think it that way… What is more important now is that I have learned my lessons… through a rather painful learning experience…

The wound may heal longer than it should be… but one thing sure, it will be healed with just a scar left behind to remind me of maybe one of the greatest lessons there is in life…   

nalulumbay ako

Nalulumbay ako,

...hindi dahil sa may problema ako

...hindi dahil sa may nagpasakit sa ulo ko

...hindi dahil sa trabaho ko

...hindi dahil sa ibang tao

...hindi dahil sa wala ka sa piling ko

...hindi nang dahil sa'yo

...hindi dahil sa ginusto ko

...wala lang!

Nalulumbay lang ako!!!

Starting a Journey

It was a bright Sunday morning,

March 18, 2007

when our flight from

Manila

touch down

Tacloban

 

Airport

. At exactly , I have first set foot in the Visayas Region and my first was in

Leyte

!  It was my first plane ride, a thrilling experience, an unforgettable one. 

That day I woke up at

2:30 am

, too early for my usual waking hours. I spent the night at my Manager’s house to be sure that I won’t be late for our early morning flight. I hurriedly took my bath as we have to be at the airport at .

The trip to the airport was fast. No traffic, no hassles as the Metropolitans were still dozing-off to sleep. We arrived at the NAIA airport and hurriedly check-in. I had a hard time pushing my cart loaded with so many personal belongings, lots of office supplies and materials. Wheww…it would be 3 months before I’ll be back and see

Manila

once again.

After settling down and waiting for our flight, a lot of thoughts keep whirling on my mind. I was so full of varied emotions – excitement, happiness, fear and sadness. I was teary-eyed when the thoughts about my boyfriend crossed my mind. He had been in the airport several days earlier for his flight to Jeddah. I knew he cried a lot before boarding the plane, and like me unsure of what kind of future awaits him in his destination. Suddenly, after six years of being together, our worlds were now apart.

At

6am

, we boarded the plane. My seat was separated from Sharon and Ate Mayet but close to the windowpane. Slowly the plane moved to start our journey. And true enough, my new journey in life begins.

As our plane took its ascend, I knew there’s no reason for turning back. I affirmed myself that I have accepted my most challenging role yet… I could have chosen easier paths but rather I opted for a job that I knew so little about. This was something about that I am sure would test me and push me to the limits.

There are a lot of fear, a lot of what ifs.  What if I could not handle the job well? What if I fail the company’s expectation and worst, the people’s expectation? Would I be able to contribute positive changes in their lives or would I just be a nuisance in the project implementation?

I know I am only armed with the faith that God won’t send me here if it wasn’t His will. It is also this faith that I rely for strength and courage, and affirmation that I have made the right decision. It took me seven months to know His will and and be guided in this direction and I should not wrong Him. I am here for a reason…I am here for a mission.

As a tear drop falls, I am resolved that there’s no turning back…I won’t surrender without even trying and doing the best that I can for this mission.  What is most important at this point is passion, faith and conviction to be of service to others and do the best that I can to be able to contribute positive changes in the lives of the marginalized people.

Finally, the plane has reached its destination. As I face the exit door, I can see the sun brightly shining. It was indeed a beautiful morning! A beautiful day, that seems like announcing that a beautiful journey has just started.   

Me and my partner Sharon at

Romualdez

 

Airport

,

Tacloban

 

City

Welcome Gladys!  Welcome to the challenges, to new experiences and surprises that this province offers! Welcome to Tacloban! Welcome to

Leyte

!

They Call Us "Bakwit"

“People call us bakwit or evacuees. Oftentimes, we are hurt but we are getting used to it.  It is degrading andmakes us feel worthless.  It reminds us how helpless our situation is, and it brings back bitter and painful memories of our past”.               

   

Nanay Inday in front of Guinsaugon landslide - remembering those who have perished…

“For more than a year now, we are staying at Saint Bernard Central School. We have been living since the Guinsaugon landslide happened. It claimed a thousand lives and for fear that the same fate might befall us, we followed the government’s advice to evacuate and leave our barangay – the place that has been our home for years and for most of us – the only place we knew since the day we were born”.

“Life in the evacuation center is difficult. You can just imagine the congestion. There is no privacy. It is so difficult to move around.  We longed for the day that we will be at the privacy of our homes and enjoying the convenience it offers. Here, we do not have any source of livelihood. We are farmers but we do not have have farms to tend”.

“For some time, we have depended on relief goods as we are not also allowed to go back to our barangay for it is too risky,  they often say. But the supply of goods did not last long. It became scarce after a few months and by January of this year,  relief totally stopped.   We have to find ways in order to survive. And for this reason, we are forced to go back to our old high-risk barangay. We know the risk, we know the danger - for we have personally witnessed the disaster but what can we do? We will die earlier of hunger at the evacuation center”.

“Our situation is already difficult and yet some people makes it more difficult for us. There are a lot of attempts to move us out of our evacuation site because school authorities want to use the space we occupy to pursue their development projects. But in our mind, what is more important, is it the development project or the people’s lives. For whom is the development project if people are dead, or if people are suffering and facing great risks?”.

This is how Nanay Inday would relate her situation every so often.

Nanay Inday, as she is fondly called, lived her entire life in Brgy. Sug-angon. She never thought that such a tragedy willhappen in her lifetime and will witness the details.

The landslide claimed the entire barangay and thousands of lives in a split-second. Memories of that fateful day is still vivid in her mind. She can still recount details of what transpired during that day: people running for their lives, children crying, mothers hugging their children and couples trying to comfort one another. Much more difficult to erase in her memory are the lifeless bodies retrieved from the site.

The scene was so moving, so inhuman, so overwhelming.  Surreal. Gruesome. Those who survived and who witnessed the incident cannot believe what they saw.  They became numb and can hardly move.  It took them a while before they realize that it was true.  They could still hear the moaning, the cries and the call for help but survivors cannot look back and extend their hands because they will also perish.  There were attempts but they never made it. 

Minutes later,  they received text messages from students and teachers believed to be under the ground.  And then there was silence. 

Days of life-threatening rescue followed. They tried to establish an access road to reach the school site.  But the ground was too soft and unstable that even heavy equipment like backhoes cannot negotiate their way through.  It was at that point that they realized that they cannot go any further. 

Nanay Inday witnessed all these and more. 

The Guinsaugon landslide has not only taken the lives of a thousand; it has changed the lives of more than a thousand. Like that of Nanay Inday’s and the rest of the residents from nearby areas,  the tragedy has left an indelible mark in their hearts and in their lives.

At the evacuation site, Nanay Inday, despite her age,  actively involves herself in the different programs and activities for the evacuees. Her opinions matter and community members respect and value what she has to say.  She lives life with candor and enthusiasm and finds joy and wonder despite difficulties.  She would start the day early with prayers in their makeshift chapel. Then she would hop from one house to the other reminding her neighbors of the forthcoming activities.  She does this  while exchanging stories with other mothers. She will not miss the fun part, of course. 

Nanay Inday was very flattered when she was chosen to represent the barangay to attend ACCORD’s  Community Trainors’ Training. She was hesitant to take the floor but she makes it up sharing her views and opinions during discussions.  She also helped in identifying training participants, explaining to them the value of preparedness and convincing them to spare some time to learn.  She oversaw preparations, made sure that food and venue are all set,  while ensuring that participants show up and stay. 

“It makes me happy to know that I am helping my community even in the little things that I do. I believe that we should learn from the tragedy. There are things that we can do and that includes preparedness. As we all know, we are always facing risks, and it is important that we are doing something about it”.

Nanay Inday’s and her sari-sari store at the evacuation site and the rags that she herself made to earn extra money for a living.

Aside from being an ACCORD community facilitator,  Nanay Inday is also an active member of Barangay Sug-angon’s Women’s Association. They are engaged in livelihood activities. Nanay Inday was taught how to make rags and door mats and this occupies most of her time while also tending her small sari-sari store. She said that it just proves that someone’s age should not limit anyone to contribute and become a productive member of the society. 

There is life after the rubble,  and despite the threat of another rubble. 

On my 27th year!

Today, im celebrating my 27th birthday...my 27th year of existence in this world!

Im so glad to have reached this age, living a full and exciting life. I think I should have nothing to complained about though, it has been my habit to complain and express my discontent over things and matters that surrounds and concerns me...

Today, I have again realized that there a lot of things in my life that I should be thankful enough. Below are the four main reasons :

1. My family - I can not say that I have a perfect family as mine is just a normal family; with flaws and weaknesses but is united and strengthened by our love and concern for each other. I always find comfort knowing that they are always there for me to support and love me completely, and unconditionally.

2. Few but loyal friends - I may only have very few, close friends but I am sure that I can count on them in times of trials and bitterness. I know that they will stand up for me and assure me of their confidence in me as a person and as a human being.

3. A rewarding and fulfilling job  - I maybe in a disaster-prone locality right now and far from the conveniences that i used to enjoy several months earlier, yet I am convinced that through this job, I am and will be able to contribute positive changes in the lives of the people that I am meeting here. It is really an opportunity to be of service to others and touch people's lives.

4. A loving and thoughtful "significant other" - My life won't be this happier without my "HoneY". He has been my source of strenght and inspiration and the one who constantly reminds me to be content and happy amidst the challenges and trials that this life offers. Truly, he is my shoulder to cry on, a reliable ally, my trusted confidante.

I

....praning na ata

Minsan ang saya...minsan ang lungkot...ganyan nga, ang hirap ispelingin ng buhay!

Dito ko ngayon sa harap ng laptop, todo emote...buti pa ito, walang angal sa mga sasabihin ko, "total acceptance" ika nga.

Hindi ko alam, ang gulo ng isip ko ngayon...basta malungkot ako ngayon, napapraning din...

Siguro hindi lang naman ako ang nagkakaganito sa mundo...marami pa...kaya ok lang sabihin mang praning!

Sige bukas na lang,pag hindi na ko praning....

Bored and missing you!

Here I am again, in front of of my computer, staring blankly on the monitor. I know there's a lot to be done yet my mind seems to be nowhere to be found. My bed is seems so inviting, all i wanted is to just get me some sleep.. or just lie down and let my imagination fly.

I miss you hon...you just don't know by now.. But I miss you so, I wanted to be with you. Time, let me ask you to fly ...and so I'll be, re-united with my honey!

Sa Paaanan ng Mayon

Img_3031 Napakaganda ng Mayon. Ngayon ko lang ito nakita at tunay ngang kahanga-hanga itong makita lalo na sa personal. Matagal ko ring inasam ang pagkakataong ito na masilayan ang daragang Magayon.

Ngunit kakambal ng ganda, naroon din ang malulungkot na kuwento na naging kabahagi ang Mayon. Sa likod ko ay ang 2 krus na nagsisilbing alaala ng mga naging biktima ng bagyong Reming. Maraming batong gumuho mula sa dalisdis ng bulkan ang nagdulot ng pighati sa mga pamilyang nasa paanan ng Mayon. Nakakalungkot na ang dating bahayan na nasa likod ko ay biglang sa isang iglap ay nawala na ng tuluyan.Natabunan ang lahat at maraming nabuwis na buhay...

March 2008

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